A woman is grappling with a difficult choice after overhearing her husband speak harshly about their 5-year-old autistic son, unsure if their marriage can survive his words.
In a post on Reddit‘s “Am I The A*****?” forum, user Accurate-Fee9591, recounted how she overheard her husband, who had been distant and burnt out, speaking with friends about their child in a way that left her feeling “crushed.”
The post has since gathered over 10,000 upvotes and sparked a debate about the complexities of parenthood, mental health and neurodivergence.
She wrote: “He started saying how our son is ‘too much to handle’ and that he feels like ‘he’s a burden.’ He even mentioned that sometimes he wishes we could give him up for adoption, like WHAT?! I couldn’t believe it.
Stock image of a couple arguing while their child sits between them. The internet empathized with a man’s need to let off steam with his friends.
fizkes/iStock / Getty Images Plus
“At first, I thought maybe he was just frustrated and saying things out of anger or stress, but he kept going. He wasn’t just venting. He said he missed the freedom we had before becoming parents and that he thinks it would be ‘better for everyone’ if we weren’t stuck with this life.”
Devastated by his words, she confronted her husband, who accused her of overreacting.
He claimed that he didn’t mean what he said; that he was just venting after feeling overwhelmed.
But the OP expressed her uncertainty, sharing her fears about whether she could trust him to be there for their son.
She admitted: “I feel like I can’t stay with someone who sees our child as a burden. But I also feel so torn because we’re married, and I thought we’d always have each other’s backs, especially when it comes to raising our child. But if he’s really feeling like this, how can I trust him to be there for our son and me in the long run?”
Experts Weigh In
Rachel Goldberg, a licensed therapist, spoke to Newsweek, explaining that overwhelming circumstances can often lead people to catastrophic thinking, and this may be what’s happening with the husband.
“It’s completely valid for her to feel betrayed by her partner’s statement that he sometimes wishes the child wasn’t there so he could get his life back. However, I believe his reaction, while difficult to hear, is actually a common and understandable response.
“Raising a child is incredibly hard, and it often creates tension in a relationship. When you add in the challenges of autism—which the author didn’t specify the degree of the child’s needs—it can be much more overwhelming.
“He might have been bottling up these frustrations to protect the family, and in a moment of vulnerability with trusted friends, he may have finally let it all out. It’s possible that he said these things out of sheer frustration, not knowing how to cope with the weight of the situation.”
Goldberg suggested that therapy could be invaluable, both for the husband to process his emotions and for the couple to explore strategies that will help them both support their son.
“Overall, I believe his reaction, while painful, is valid and normal under such stress. The fact that he hasn’t left shows his dedication, but it doesn’t mean he isn’t deeply upset, overwhelmed, or struggling to cope with what the future may look like.”
Kristen Mosier, a licensed marriage and family therapist, echoed Goldberg’s sentiments, emphasizing the need for additional support.
She told Newsweek: “Studies show that parents of autistic children are more likely to experience marital strain and caregiver burnout, and fathers are particularly susceptible to depression.
“It’s normal to become flooded with the desire to run, without it having anything to do with how much you love or support your child.
“This fallout may be a great opportunity for them to seek professional help. Framing the suggestion for help as: ‘It seems we both could use a place to vent and get more support,’ puts them both on the same side and may help remove some of the resistance if one person feels blamed or shamed.”
Reddit Reacts
The Reddit community responded with empathy and suggestions for both sides. PeachyFairyDragon commented, “Caregiver burnout is a real thing. Take advantage of babysitters and respite care. Remember you are more than just a pair of parents and act that way. With the emotional pressure cooker cooled down, he likely will reengage with your son.”
Another commenter, Few_Lemon_4698, who also has a child with autism, offered words of solidarity: “My wife has said similar, yet she’s still here and a brilliant mother. Having a vent can help people cope. Having an autistic child is no walk in the park. Sit down and talk this out, and I don’t mean a 5-minute conversation—I mean a proper talk. Listen and make sure you are also listened to. Do NOT turn it into an argument.”
Newsweek reached out to u/Accurate-Fee9591for comment via Reddit. We could not verify the details of the case.
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