A Reddit user has come under fire after saying how he counted his girlfriend’s calories in an attempt to help her lose weight.
The post on Reddit has gone viral with over 9,400 upvotes. The original poster, who goes by the username u/Substantial-Grape541, wrote how his efforts to support his girlfriend’s weight-loss goals backfired. Newsweek spoke to therapist Alex Banta about why the man may have faced resistance—and what he could have done differently.
“My girlfriend is on the bigger side, which is something I do not mind,” the poster wrote at the beginning of his post. “I am on the more fit side, I’m pretty lean, have well defined muscles and probably around 15 percent body fat. I used to be about 40 pounds heavier and lost the weight pretty simply.” Newsweek reached out to u/Substantial-Grape541 for comment via Reddit.
A couple argue in a kitchen. A post on Reddit has gone viral after a man counted his girlfriend’s calories for the day.
Prostock-Studio/Getty Images
The poster wrote he finds his girlfriend attractive no matter her weight, but that she often complains about her body size. When she eventually decided she wanted to lose weight, he offered his assistance but faced resistance: “When I pointed out things she could be doing better, she gets mad at me,” the poster wrote.
To help her understand why she wasn’t losing weight, he proposed following her around for a day to track what she ate—on the condition that he wouldn’t make comments while she did so. By the end of the day, the poster calculated that his girlfriend had consumed about 2,200 calories.
“My exact words were that the amount of calories she is consuming is the amount I need to maintain my weight as a man five inches and 20 pounds bigger, who is constantly active,” the poster wrote. “So, chances are she’ll slowly gain weight eating like that.”
The man’s girlfriend became upset at this suggestion—and Reddit users understood why. They were quick to criticize the poster’s approach.
“I’ve learned from personal experience, it never goes well when a loved one talks about weight/diet,” u/Lower_Ground_Score wrote. “The best way is for this information to come from an outside source. (Has she tried any of those diet apps? Or could she afford a nutritionist?)”
Another commenter, u/DerpDevilDD, questioned the accuracy of the poster’s calorie count.
“Your math seems to be a bit, let’s say, generous,” they wrote. They also criticized the man’s role in the situation, saying he may have imposed his help rather than providing genuine support: “How about you stop playing amateur nutritionist and leave your girlfriend … alone?”
‘Helpful Hand Grenade’
Alex Banta, clinical director and therapist at Thriveworks, told Newsweek about the poster’s approach and why attempts to “help” in situations like this often backfire.
“I am a therapist with over 10 years of experience. I see some version of this exact scenario with almost every couple I work with,” Banta said. “I love to refer to this pattern as the ‘helpful hand grenade,’ where supporting your partner can blow up in your face.”
Banta added how important it was to separate relational dynamics from concrete feedback, saying that the poster’s well-meaning input may have felt more like criticism because of the emotional context.
“Facts are facts, but the reality is, she may never be OK hearing these facts from her [boyfriend],” Banta said. “Her [boyfriend] could honestly be looking at this like a math equation, but out of his mouth, with the context of their relationship as a backdrop, it just feels like shame. [The boyfriend] has made himself the bad guy by honestly trying to help—off goes the hand grenade!”
The overwhelming consensus from both Reddit users and Banta was that the poster should take a step back and leave nutrition advice to professionals. Many said that the best way for the man to support his girlfriend would be through encouragement and nonjudgmental actions, such as engaging in healthy habits together, without focusing on calorie counting.
While the poster may have been genuinely trying to help, the response from internet users suggests that, sometimes, it is best to cheer from the sidelines rather than offering unsolicited solutions.
“Bottom line—no one is wrong here,” Banta said. “Everyone has the same goal, and [the boyfriend] seems to genuinely want to help. He is doing it in the way the makes the most sense to him. In the future, refer to experts and avoid accidentally becoming the bad guy.”
