Dating sites are aware of warning signs and behaviors to avoid. They also know about undesirable characteristics in potential partners. What are the positive qualities or green flags that singles should be looking for?
Frankie Bashan is a clinical psychologist and relationship expert who has over 20 years’ experience. She says that focusing on green flags instead of red flags will lead to a more successful dating.
She said, “You should be on the lookout for these things right away.” What do we notice because we are wired to survive? We are often scared by the orange and black flags, so we close opportunities.
She encourages people instead to suspend their immediate judgment and be curious.
“I am noticing that, but I won’t give a definitive response just yet.” She advised, “Right now, I am just taking information in.” “Our brains do not do it automatically.” “It has to be deliberate.”
These are the green flags you should look out for.
Reliability
Showing up late or cancelling a date at the last minute may be a warning sign, but doing the opposite can be a green light.
Do they commit to a specific date? “Do they arrive on time?” Bashan asked about signs that someone is trustworthy.
Trustworthiness
Bashan says you should check to see that the stories they tell are consistent.
Find out if this person is trustworthy. She said.
Values Relationships
Bashan says that having and valuing other relationships besides a romantic partner, such as friends and family is also a green flag.
Is this person someone who can sustain long-term relationships? She said. She said. “Do they have friends that they value, that are important to themselves and that they invest in?”
Reciprocity
Green flags include someone who is not afraid to show their interest.
Bashan explained that when you talk about yourself, you share your interests, desires for relationships and what you are looking for. They listen. They’re not waiting for you finish before they respond. Instead, they are concentrating on what they want to say. They’re not just waiting for you to finish so they can respond. They are actually focused and curious about what you have to say.
Boundaries
Setting (and respecting!) boundaries is a good sign. According to Wendy Walsh, relationship expert and professor of psychology with a PhD in clinical psychology, she says that setting (and respecting!) boundaries is a green flag.
She said that people have been talking about trauma-dumping on dates on social media, and this is not the right way to do it. They think they are being authentic, open and vulnerable but they are actually revealing too much too soon.
If you are uncomfortable with the answer to a question on your first date, pay attention to how they react when you set a boundary and refuse to share that part of you.
Balance of Dependence
Walsh says that a relationship is about both growing together and independently. It’s a “green flag” when someone shows and understands the appropriate balance.
Imagine a Venn Diagram with circles representing individuals and an overlapped area representing relationships.
“Relationships can be unhealthy when two circles overlap completely. Psychologists call this the enmeshed. “They’re so enmeshed, that no one can remember who has a problem, and they begin to control eachother, and the end result is an individual begins to die,” said she. Imagine the two circles next to each other but not touching. Now you can grow as an individual, but your relationship is not secure.
